The night is awesome, the moon is
half mast. The Jamun tree, in front of me is standing tall, moving and dancing
around in a mystic rhythm. The Tiny flowers on it and the dark green leaves
matches with the color of the night. Down below, the road is empty, without any
life, except for some rodents searching for food and maybe who knows playing
hide and seek.
Somewhere down the lane someone
is playing a good old Hindi song, a particular favorite of mine. The lyrics
match with the atmosphere around. “Sogaya ye jahan, sogaya aasma. So gai hai
sari manzilen…”
And I standing there on the balcony
of my cousin’s flat, is thinking of those memorable things I could have done,
but haven’t done. I could have won a million hearts. At least could have won
one, But couldn’t. I don’t know why but I have always felt that I couldn’t win
a heart, to be precise her heart. I am not a Prince Charming strolling on awhite horse. I am not a knight whose looks could make women go mad. I am certainly
not the Frog who would turn into a charming prince when kissed. I am not. Maybe
is that a reason why I couldn’t win her heart?
If I were to describe myself, I would
have said that I am a practical no body. There is nothing in me that could impress
her. Nothing that would make her heart miss a few beat, I am damn sure, whenever
she sees me I think her heart never even notices me. Maybe her mind recognizes me,
but to make her fall in love with me it is necessary for her heart to miss a
few heart beats. It is necessary for her legs to tremble and her body to perspire.
I think it is necessary that she should be damn confused about herself. But I don’t
know if this is good or bad, she doesn’t even sees me for more than a moment.
Does all this break my heart? Yes,
it does. It breaks my heart every day, every night. And it hurts me deep
inside. The pain these days is intolerable. Somewhere I feel I am incompetent. Somewhere
I feel I should have been more that I am. Somewhere deep in my heart I feel
that I am not made for her. But I quickly try to trash such kind of thoughts. I
feel there’s a chance. I feel that there might be a slight probability that she
might be thinking of me now. She might be thinking of me, but don’t know what. Does
she like me? Does she hate me? Has she ever considered me?
I don’t know, there are a million
questions in my mind now, yes a million questions. Even I don’t know what these
questions are but I don’t know to know. I just want to know the answer to only
question will she ever be mine?
